


By your side

by LonelyAngel



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Sad, TOPFL August Challenge, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-07-04 16:50:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15845394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelyAngel/pseuds/LonelyAngel
Summary: Tyler and Josh hooked up after a show.A few weeks later, Tyler wakes up feeling sick every morning.It takes a long time for them to connect the dots and suddenly both of them are faced with the fact that there's a tiny human being inside of Tyler.





	By your side

 

They weren't drunk. And it wasn't because of the exhilaration they felt after the show. It would've been easy to say it was because they were high on adrenaline. So easy, but it wasn't that simple and the only ones they could blame were themselves.

 

 

The show was successful. It was all bright lights and loud music and emotions rushing through their veins, filling their bodies with a fire they only felt on stage.

The cheers still ringing in his ears, Tyler left the stage, Josh trailing behind him.

Occasionally, his hands would accidentally bump against Tyler's waist or brush over the back of Tyler's pants. Tyler could feel it through the fabric and it made his skin tingle.

Josh's breath was warm on his neck as they walked down the stairs to the dressing room.

Tyler bit his lip and ignored the urge to turn around. He sped up until he left Josh behind, basically sprinting towards the door and pushing it open.

"I'm going to shower first!" he yelled, looking back at his bandmate.

Josh rolled his eyes. "Of course. Everything for the lead singer."

"That's right." Tyler grinned, holding the door open until Josh grabbed the handle and then walked to the small bathroom, getting rid of his shirt on the way and throwing it on the floor.

Something was different between them today. Something Tyler couldn't indentify. Or maybe he didn't want to.

When he shimmied out of his pants, he thought about Josh opening the door and watching him, looking at him without any emotion on his face, seeing Tyler naked. His eyes would scan over Tyler's body without judging. They had seen each other naked before. It was nothing special. But maybe it would be today.

His own train of thought scared Tyler and he shook his head, hoping to keep his mind from going further into a place he definitely shouldn't think about.

He stepped into the shower, pulling the blue shower curtain closed.

The water was icy when he turned it on and his body was immediately covered in goosebumps.

Tyler hissed when the cold water hit his shoulders as he turned the handle of the shower the other way.

Soon, the water was warm enough for Tyler to relax. He poured some shampoo in his hand, rubbing it into his soft hair.

Rinsing it out, he closed his eyes to avoid getting soap into them.

He would've loved to stay in the shower longer, but he knew Josh was waiting for him to get out. Instead of showering until his body was left with the warm feeling of sleepiness, he got out, grabbing a towel from the sink.

The air hitting his wet body made him shiver and he hurried to dry himself off, before he rubbed the wet towel over his head, trying to dry his hair.

After wrapping the towel around his waist, he grabbed his dirty clothes and opened the door.

"Finally. You were taking forever." Josh scolded him, but his tone was playful.

"I wasn't." Tyler protested, his teeth chattering. "Where's the freaking hairdryer? I'm freezing."

"Over there." Josh pointed at a table in the corner of the room.

Tyler dropped his clothes next to his shirt and grabbed the hairdryer, plugging it in.

"Don't take too long." Tyler said and Josh nodded before he closed the door.

Tyler changed into fresh clothes and opened a can of redbull before he sat down on the floor, blow-drying his hair, taking a sip every few seconds.

 

Josh didn't take long and fifteen minutes later, they were ready to leave.

When they sat in the car driving them to the hotel, Tyler looked at Josh.

The drummer was looking out of the window, not noticing Tyler's gaze.

Tyler wasn't in love with him, but sometimes he just liked to appreciate that this man next to him was his best friend. And he saw Josh's beauty, loved him as a best friend.

Tyler sighed and leaned to the side, resting his head on Josh's shoulder.

He could almost feel Josh's smile when the drummer placed a hand on Tyler's knee, rubbing it softly to show him that he was there.

Tyler closed his eyes and soon was about to fall asleep. Josh's warmth next to him lulled him into sleep and he tried his best to keep his eyes open but it didn't take long until he started to hear the voices of the others louder, a sign that he was about to fall asleep.

For a few seconds they were almost too loud and Tyler wished they would pipe down although he knew they were talking quietly. Then, he couldn't understand the words anymore and fell asleep.

 

  
He woke up when his head slid down Josh's shoulder and made his body slump forward.

Tyler flinched and blinked, realizing the car was pulling into the driveway of the hotel. It had been only a ten minute drive and Tyler must have been asleep for only a few minutes but now he was wide awake.

"We're at the hotel." Josh said quietly and Tyler nodded.

The car stopped and Josh opened the door of the car. They stepped out, looking at the brightly illuminated entrance.

The air was cold and Tyler wrapped his arms around himself. Josh placed a hand on his shoulder, the hot skin of his hand almost burning a hole into Tyler's shirt.

"Same room tonight?" he murmured into Tyler's ear and the singer nodded, shivering.

They both were craving human contact. It seemed so natural to follow Josh to his room, Tyler didn't even question it. He was looking forward to curl himself up next to Josh and fall asleep again even though he wasn't tired anymore.

 

  
  
Maybe it was because Tyler finally wanted something different than their every day routine. Something else than travelling, soundchecks and shows, falling into their beds or bunks dead tired after it.

It wasn't only human touch he was craving. It was the excitement of something unexpected.

Josh's lips and his warm skin was the net of a spider, thin and delicate and Tyler fell into the trap way to easily. It wasn't their fault. Or maybe it was. But it wasn't Josh's fault that he didn't know he was a spider.

 

 

  
Stripping to their boxers wasn't unusual between them. Tyler knew every inch of Josh's upper body, he had seen him shirtless too often not to memorize the tiny freckles on his shoulders and the muscles under his skin.

Still, it was the first time it turned him on. He had been in a weird mood the entire day and Tyler didn't think much about the fact that Josh was his best friend and he perhaps was crossing a line.

They slipped under the covers and Tyler thought about Josh next to him, noticed how close their hands were resting next to each other. He heard Josh's soft breathing, loud enough to be proof that he wasn't asleep yet.

The lights were switched off. Darkness surrounded them. Tyler could feel his own heart beating in his chest, a constant rhythm that made him feel alive.

Slowly, Tyler moved his hand to the right until his fingers brushed against the side of Josh's hand. He lifted his hand, tracing his fingerstips over Josh's palm.

They were two statues next to each other, only Tyler's slow movements and his ragged breathing interrupted the silence. His fingers slipped into the space between Josh's fingers and the drummer squeezed his hand softly.

Tyler turned his head, but couldn't see anything else than pitch blackness. Suddenly he heard the rustling of sheets and then Josh rolled on top of him.

Tyler took a deep breath when he felt Josh pressed against him. His weight made it hard to breathe but Tyler enjoyed it. He liked feeling trapped between the bed and Josh, unable to escape. He wasn't complaining, because the pressure turned him on even more.

Something soft pressed against the corner of his mouth and Tyler needed a few seconds to realize Josh was kissing him. He turned his head to kiss back lazily.

They couldn't see each other in the dark and bumped their noses against each other, but neither of them cared.

Teeth were clacking against each other, too, spit mingling on their lips.

Tyler moaned and grabbed Josh's shoulders. The drummer pulled Tyler's bottom lip with his teeth and placed a hand on the side of Tyler's neck.

It wasn't romantic, no, it was messy and sloppy. They didn't talk.

Josh pulled Tyler's boxer briefs down, hitting his head against Tyler's knee in the darkness, but nothing but a quiet groan left his mouth.

When he hovered over the singer again, Tyler knew they were both naked. And it felt good, feeling their dicks sliding against each other.

Tyler loved to feel Josh's hot breath on his chest like he felt it on his neck only an hour ago.

It happened so naturally, Josh's spit-covered fingers sliding in between Tyler's cheeks, opening him up carefully. 

Tyler bucked his hips and then Josh was inside of him and it was all Tyler wanted.

He was underneath Josh and let himself be taken care of - Tyler, who never bottomed, Tyler who always had safe sex and Tyler who wasn't attracted to men.

But he was attracted to Josh and that was enough. He was everything Tyler needed tonight.

Josh thrust into him and Tyler gasped for breath, his toes curling and his hands clawing at Josh's back.

Josh was breathing heavily, too and small grunts left his mouth when he pushed forward, again and again.

Tyler wrapped his legs around Josh's waist, pulling him closer and pushing him deeper.

Josh's hair tickled Tyler's neck when Josh mouthed at his collarbone and the singer imagined how it looked, curly and wet with sweat, sticking to Josh's forehead.

He arched his back when Josh hooked an arm under Tyler's leg and lifted it up, changing the angle and hitting his prostate.

Tyler dug his short nails into Josh's skin, leaving scratches on his shoulders. He wanted to get as close to Josh as possible, wanted to crawl into his skin and wanted them to become one.

Tyler was silent when he came, seeing white flashes in front of his eyes, his body rocking with pleasure. He wanted to moan to show Josh how good he was, but he was speechless. He could only hold onto Josh.

Tyler clenched around Josh and felt him coming inside of him, his come filling him up. Josh let out a low growl as he came and to Tyler it was the hottest sound he'd ever heard.

They were holding onto each other, as if they would drown if they would let go. Josh was lying on top of Tyler and their chests were touching.

Tyler's eyes were wide open and he squeezed them shut, trying to catch his breath. After a few minutes, he lifted his hand and softly massaged the nape of Josh's neck, running his hand through his hair and scratching his scalp lightly.

As a silent answer, Josh ran his hand down Tyler's side before he sighed and rolled to the side.

Tyler felt cold without Josh on top of him and grabbed the covers, pulling them to his chin.

They weren't touching anymore and Josh felt so far away. Tyler wanted to reach out and grab his hand, but the sudden distance between them stopped him. There was a weird type of coldness lingering in the heavy air and Tyler didn't dare to interrupt the silence.

He lied next to Josh and knew, this night would be something they wouldn't talk about the next day.

His body felt heavy and tired. Tyler's mind took pity on him and let him fall asleep pretty quickly.

 

  
People say it needs love to make a baby. Two hearts, beating in unison and soft kisses and whispered 'I love you's.  
But sometimes it just needs irresponsibility and no protection and Tyler had to learn it the hard way.

 

  
Tyler was right. When he woke up the next day, still sticky and covered in come, Josh was standing next to the bed, fully dressed.

"Good morning. You should take a shower. We'll meet the crew downstairs for breakfast in twenty minutes." he said and his voice held no emotion.

Tyler nodded and pushed the covers aside. "Okay. I'll meet you there."

Josh turned and left the room.  
Tyler took a shower, thinking about what had happened between them. If it wasn't Josh who had been his one night stand, Tyler would be angry that they didn't talk about it.

But it was his drummer he had slept with and there were no obligations. It was okay.  
It had been platonic anyway. Tyler shrugged. They were best friends. Nothing he had to overthink.

 

Weeks went by and they were best friends again, nothing more. It meant no kisses and separate hotel rooms and no sex, but they were okay with it.

They weren't in love, even though their closeness could be mistaken for it.

They played shows and joked around in interviews and Tyler was happy.

He was satisfied how his life had turned out. Of course, it wasn't perfect, but close to it.

He was happy until he woke up one early morning.

Tyler blinked, trying to understand what woke him up, but it took a few seconds until he felt his stomach grumble angrily.

Tyler tasted bile on his tongue and he pushed the curtain of his bunk aside, sitting up. He groaned when a wave of nausea hit him. Sliding out of the bunk, he stumbled to the tiny bathroom.

Falling on his knees, he just had enough time to think how lucky he was to wake up in time when he started to throw up. 

Gagging, Tyler thought about the things he had eaten the day before that could have caused food poisining, but Josh had eaten the same and he was sleeping soundly in his bunk.

Tyler sighed and rubbed his aching stomach.

He hated getting sick, especially when they had to play a show the same day. It took about twenty minutes until the nausea started to fade away and he could stand up again.

Brushing his teeth to get rid of the bad taste in his mouth, Tyler looked into the mirror.

Despite the fact that he looked pretty tired, he didn't look sick. And with every minute, he felt better. No need to worry.

 

  
He was right, because after breakfast he felt healthy again. Tyler forgot about his sickness when they reached the venue and he didn't tell anybody about it. It wasn't important.  
And the headache he got during soundcheck was something he could get rid off with some Tylenol.  
  
If Tyler thought everything was okay with him, he was wrong. Waking up every morning feeling sick wasn't normal. Some days were worse, some were better.

Tyler didn't know why, but he kept it secret. He only felt nauseous in the mornings and the few headaches weren't worth mentioning.

But after a week or so, people started to notice, especially when they heard Tyler gagging in the bathroom.

"Are you okay? This isn't normal." Michael asked him one day, leaning in the doorway while Tyler was throwing up into the toilet.

"I'm okay." Tyler answered with a groan. "Don't worry."

"Maybe you should see a doctor." Michael said and furrowed his brows. "It could be dangerous."

Tyler waved dismissively. "Maybe I'm just stressed."

He was a pro at ignoring things he didn't want to think of. As long as it didn't affect the performances, it was okay. He even ignored the fact that he was getting headaches and migraines more often. It wasn't the only thing that was weird, there had been a few times where he had woken up in the middle of the night, hungrily.

These nights led to Tyler binge eating everything he could find in the small fridge, which was weird because Tyler usually didn't eat that much.

But he pretended to be fine and he was, most of the time.

He was still hoping this strange sickness would go away some day.

 

  
  
Michael wasn't the only one who noticed Tyler was acting weird. When they had a stop in a parking lot and the crew was outside, smoking and strechting the legs, Josh approached him.

"Tyler, can we talk?" he asked the singer, concern written all over his face.

"Uh, yeah, sure." Tyler answered. He could guess what Josh wanted to talk about.

Josh grabbed his hand and led him outside.  
They walked away from the others, sitting down on a bench that seemed a little bit too dirty for Tyler's liking.

He looked around and saw wrappers and cigarette butts covering the ground. No matter which country, parking lots were the same everywhere.

Kicking a crown cap away with his foot, he looked at Josh.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked.

Josh bit his lip. He looked nervous and worried. Taking a deep breath he started to talk.

"Tyler, you know you can talk to me about everything, right?" he said and Tyler looked at him in surprise.

"I-I know."

Josh nodded. "Good." he sighed. "You know, I noticed you were acting different the last two weeks. You're my best friend, Tyler and I'm worried about you. I know you're feeling sick every morning and..."

He watched the cars driving by for a few seconds before he looked at Tyler. His eyes were soft.

"I know being on tour can be stressful. But this isn't a healthy coping mechanism, Tyler. I was hoping you'd talk to me, but I realized I had to reach out to you. Please, tell me what's going on in your head."

Tyler furrowed his brows. "What are you talking about?"

Josh placed a hand on Tyler's knee. "Tyler... do you suffer from bulimia?"

Tyler's eyes widened. "What? What do you mean?"

Josh shrugged. "It makes sense. The binge eating and throwing up every day. I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I want to help you."

"I'm not bulimic!" Tyler protested. "I'm just feeling sick, that's all."

"Really?" Josh asked, but he seemed relieved.

 Tyler nodded. "Yeah. I don't know what's wrong, but I only feel sick in the morning. I don't know what causes it, but otherwise I'm fine. I think I'm going to see a doctor if it doesn't get better."

Tyler didn't plan to see a doctor, but Josh didn't need to know that.

"Oh..." Josh said and blushed. "I-I'm sorry for assuming..."

"It's okay." Tyler reassured him. "I'm fine. I'm glad you talked to me though."

Josh pulled Tyler into a hug. "I was so worried." he mumbled.

Tyler dropped his head on Josh's shoulder. "I'm fine." he whispered into Josh's neck, but he wasn't sure if it was true.

 

  
A look into the mirror and Tyler knew something was wrong with him. He was pale and although he threw up a lot, it felt like he had gained weight. Heck, he was sure he'd gained weight.

Tyler lifted his shirt up, hooking his thumbs under the hem and pushing it up to his neck. He was as skinny as always, but there was a little bump, right beneath his navel.

Tyler placed his hand on it and pressed down. It didn't feel like muscle or fat, it wasn't soft enough.

Tyler started to shiver. What if he had a tumor? A terminal illness? What if he would die?

Taking a shaky breath, he dropped the hem of his shirt, deciding to ignore this weird little bump in his stomach.

He thought about telling Josh, but he didn't want him to worry.

Tyler closed his eyes. He wouldn't die. He was young and healthy. He had to concentrate on the show tonight.

 

  
Telling people to stay alive while this spark of fear lingered inside of him was difficult. More than once Tyler felt tears welling up in his eyes, but he couldn't cry in front of all these people. He acted like nothing was wrong, jumped around and sang with all the energy he had left.

Still, he couldn't bring himself to talk to the audience. Even the trees speech was short and a simple repetition of a thing he had already said a hundred times: to stay alive.

Right when Tyler spoke these words, he decided to listen to his own advice. He would stay alive, no matter what was going on in his body.

 

  
It was known that they were lurking on Twitter a lot. Especially Tyler. Josh was more open on social media, he sometimes replied to the fan's tweets or at least retweeted things while Tyler was just watching, observing.

And Tyler was lurking after the show, lying in his bunk, his phone illuminating his face and being the only source of light.

He held his phone close to his face, probably too close, but Tyler didn't care about ruining his eyes. He was focusing on the pictures of the show that were shared on social media.

Especially one picture that showed him jumping from the piano.

Nothing unusual, but during the short period of flying through the air, his shirt had ridden up and revealed his abdomen and the little bump.  
  
**@tylerrjoseph** _looks like he gained a little weight, look at his tummy_  
  
It was a tweet without judgment, just a simple statement, but Tyler was clutching the phone with sweaty hands. They had noticed. He had to be more careful.

Tyler locked his phone and pushed it away, staring into the darkness. He didn't want to read other tweets. What if someone knew it was a tumor and said it out loud? Tyler didn't want to hear it.

He knew it was better to see a doctor, but his fear was holding him back.

He flinched when he heard a quiet knock next to his head. He grabbed the curtain and pulled it back to reveal Josh standing next to his bunk.

"Hey... what are you doing?" Josh asked with a smile.

Tyler cleared his throat. "Nothing."

"Wanna play video games?" Josh asked and Tyler climbed out of the bunk.

The others were already asleep so the little lounge was empty.

Josh grabbed a controller and tossed it at Tyler, who caught it easily and sat down on the couch, resting his feet on the small coffee table.

They played a few rounds until Josh stopped the game to get something to drink.

Tyler rubbed his eyes and glanced at his phone. It was already after midnight and he was starting to get tired.

Josh seemed tired, too, because he yawned when he sat down next to Tyler, their shoulders brushing.

"How are you feeling?" he asked quietly.

"I'm fine. Why?" Tyler asked, his voice almost as low as Josh's.

"'Cause you seemed kinda off during the show." Josh said and looked at the singer. "Are you still feeling sick?"

"Sometimes." Tyler admitted. "In the mornings. And I get headaches."

"Maybe a doctor could help you." Josh said.

Tyler shrugged. "Probably."

He expected Josh to press further, but the drummer simply grabbed the remote and turned the tv on.

"You wanna cuddle?" he asked.

"Heck yeah." Tyler answered and crawled into Josh's lap.

Leaning back against Josh's chest, he sighed contently.

Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler's waist. "Feels good?" he asked and Tyler hummed.

They watched tv in silence. After a few minutes, Josh dipped a hand under Tyler's shirt and started to rub his abdomen softly.

Tyler tensed when Josh stroked his skin over the bump, but the drummer didn't mention it and Tyler relaxed again. It wasn't a sexual touch, it was just nice.

Josh ran his hand up to his chest. Tyler hissed when Josh touched his nipples and Josh froze.

"What's wrong?"

"Dunno." Tyler mumbled. "My nipples... they're sensitive."

"In a good way?" Josh smirked.

"No." Tyler frowned. "They hurt."

"I'm sorry." Josh kissed his neck and dropped his hand.

"It's okay. We should go to bed anyway." Tyler sighed.

He noticed the worry in Josh's gaze when they walked back to their bunks, but Tyler ignored it. He was too tired.

 

  
  
It's like a routine, Tyler thought angrily when he raced to the bathroom and threw up again. He was sick of feeling sick.

At least this seemed to be one of the better days.

Still, when he was standing next to his bunk, pulling a shirt over his head, he hissed in pain.

"What's wrong?" Mark asked.

"His nipples hurt." Josh, who was looking down from his bunk sleepily, explained.

Mark laughed. "Are you sure you aren't preggo, Tyler?"

Josh snorted. "Yeah, right. Go editing your videos, Mark."

Mark grinned and patted Tyler's shoulder on his way to the front.

"Wake me up when breakfast is ready." Josh groaned. "I'll get some more sleep."  
He didn't notice the way Tyler was standing in the small area between the bunks, frozen.

What if...?

But this couldn't be true. Mark was joking.

Tyler swallowed. He turned and walked to the front.

"I'm going to get breakfast." Tyler forced out when he passed Mark.

He noticed his breathing had sped up and it felt like a relief when he left the bus and breathed in the fresh, cold air.

Walking downtown, Tyler didn't look around like he usually did when he was in a foreign country.

His mind was racing. He was a man, he couldn't get pregnant, could he?

But what about the weird little bump?

Tyler felt a shiver run down his spine when he remembered what his Sex ED teacher told them in class years ago.

Yes, men couldn't get pregnant, but there was one exception. It was rare, something about DNA, Tyler couldn't remember, but a small percentage of men could get pregnant.

Tyler clenched his hands to fists. He couldn't be one of them. He didn't want to be one of them.

But it would make sense. The morning sickness, the binge eating, the sensitivity of his nipples, the bump.

Was this... a baby?

Tyler pressed his hands against his abdomen and almost expected to feel a heartbeat.

But he felt nothing and he knew he had to find out the truth.

Tyler bought breakfast, but he also bought a pregnancy test in a different shop.

The chashier looked at him with a smirk, but Tyler gritted his teeth and ignored her gaze.

The way back to the bus seemed way too short. Tyler's hands were shaking when he placed the bag with the pancakes on the table and excused himself, walking to the bathroom.

He locked the door and placed the test on the sink, pulling his pants down shakily. He glanced at himself in the dirty mirror over the sink - none of them wiped the splashes of toothpaste away - and was shocked when he saw how terribly scared he looked.

He could do this. He had to.

Tyler grabbed the test and sat down on the toilet. He was so nervous that it took him a few minutes until he could relax enough to pee.

Tyler felt like he would faint when he waited for the result. His hands were clutching the test violently, he wouldn't be surprised if it would break.

It seemed to take hours and when Tyler saw the result, he felt dizzy.

He had expected it, but seeing it right in front of his eyes shocked him anyway.

Positive.

He was pregnant.

Tyler pressed a hand to his forehead, trying to stay calm and not to freak out.

There was a baby inside of him. A tiny little human being, waiting to grow. And it would grow and Tyler would have to give birth and oh god, everybody would know. And he'd be responsible for it.

He'd have to take care of it and he wasn't ready. It was too much, he wouldn't be able to handle it.

He was an adult, but he wasn't ready for a baby.

And Josh - he was going to be a father, just like Tyler. And he didn't even know it yet.

Would he be angry? Would he yell at Tyler? Or would he just break down and cry?

Tyler felt sick and he didn't know if it was because he was pregnant or because he was scared to death.

His future had been so bright, so clear, but suddenly it seemed dark and uncertain. This dark hole creeped closer and seemed to swallow him up. 

The singer placed his hands on his abdomen. The bump was still there and it wouldn't go away like Tyler hoped.

He didn't even feel relieved to know he wasn't sick. Because you could treat a sickness and make it go away.

Yes, Tyler knew about abortion but the idea seemed too cruel to even consider it. He couldn't kill a life he was responsible for. It had been their fault, not their baby's.

Tyler grabbed the pregnancy test and pushed the plastic stick deep down into the pocket of his jeans and pulled them back up, buckling his belt. A look in the mirror told him that he looked like he had just seen a ghost.

Tyler knew he was in a state of shock, because his eyes were wide and the light was too bright, even though there was only one shitty lightbulb in the bathroom.

The only thing he could think of was: _I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant!_

The thought was floating around in his head in a loop, a fact that Tyler knew was true, but still couldn't believe.

 _I have to tell Josh._ was his second thought and he grabbed the door handle, unlocking the door and stumbling out of the bathroom.

He walked to Josh's bunk, but found it empty. When he heard Josh's voice in the lounge, he almost started to cry.

Walking back, he found Josh, Mark and Brad sitting around the small table, eating pancakes and talking about the tour.

"Josh." Tyler choked out and everybody looked at him. He saw the surprise on their faces when they saw how pale Tyler was.

"Josh, please." Tyler whispered. "I need to talk to you."

Josh stood up immediately, grabbing Tyler's hand tightly. Tyler led him back to the bathroom and locked the door behind them.

Josh leaned against the sink, crossing his arms. It would've looked intimidating if Tyler didn't know Josh that well. It was just Josh bracing himself for the thing Tyler had to say because he knew it wasn't good news.

"I... I'm..." Tyler said but his voice broke. He couldn't say it. It would make it real.

Instead, he pulled the test out of his pocket and handed it to Josh.

The drummer took it carefully and looked at it for a few seconds before he looked up.

"You're pregnant?" he asked softly and Tyler nodded.

Josh bit his lip, studying the plastic stick in his hands. "Who... who's the father?" he asked finally. He looked up and met Tyler's eyes and the singer could see a hint of panic in it. "Please, tell me it's not me."

Tyler's eyes filled with tears. He was hurt by Josh's words. The baby inside of him seemed to shrink until it was just a heavy stone in his stomach and Tyler protectively placed a hand on it.

"Of course it's you!" he whispered. "Josh, this is your baby!"

Josh looked at him wide-eyed, shaking his head frantically. "No..."

"Oh god, Josh, please don't leave me alone!" Tyler cried out in hysteria when he heard Josh's denial. "I need you, I c-can't do it all on my own, please! You can't leave me now!"

His vision was starting to blurr and he felt Josh grabbing his hand. "Josh, don't leave me..." he sobbed.

Josh wrapped his arms around him and sat him down carefully. Tyler was clutching Josh's shirt violently, his eyes squeezed shut.

"I feel sick." he whispered.

Josh knelt down next to him. "It's okay. You'll be okay. Just take deep breaths." he rubbed Tyler's back softly.

Tyler was shaking when he felt Josh's hands on his back, but it soothed him. He knew Josh didn't know what to do. They were equally confused - and equally scared.

"Ty, I won't leave you." Josh said and tried to sound convincing, but his voice was weak and trembling. "I know..." he took a deep breath but it sounded more like he was drowning and desperately gasping for breath.

"I know this... situation... is overwhelming, but we'll find a solution, okay? I'm here."

Tyler nodded, his lips pressed to a thin line.

Josh forced a smile on his lips. "See? It'll be okay. Let's go back to the guys and get some breakfast. We can think about everything later. For now, it's better to find a distraction. Honestly, I need some time to think about the fact that I'm... that I'm going to be a dad."

Tyler looked into Josh's eyes. "I need to know you by my side. You're my best friend." he said.

For the first time, Josh showed a genuine, but wavery smile. "I'll always be by your side."

He stood up and pulled Tyler to his feet. "Let's eat something."

The crew was staring at them when they walked to the table. They could see Josh's trembling hands and Tyler's eyes widened in fear. Both of them mastered to flash them a smile, grabbing two plates and starting to eat. They pretended to be fine. They clearly weren't.

Their friends knew something was wrong, but they also knew when it was better to leave them alone. And the almost feverish looking singer was proof enough.

 

 

Of course it had been a shock for Josh, too. Tyler found him a few hours later at the backside of the venue, pacing and suddenly turning around, punching the wall with a growl.

Tyler rushed over to him, grabbing his arm and pulling him back.

"Josh! Josh, calm down." he begged desperately when the drummer struggled against his grip.

Josh looked at him. His hand was shaking, the skin over his knuckles was bloody and his face tear-stained.

"Fuck." He sobbed and started tugging his hair. "Fuck!"

Tyler didn't know what to do. He knew why Josh was freaking out and there wasn't a single thing he could do.

Josh dropped his hands, sliding down the wall and resting his head on his knees. "I'm sorry, Tyler." he whispered. "I think I'm going to have an anxiety attack."

Tyler sat down next to him and placed a hand on Josh's back, telling him what Josh told him a few hours ago: to take deep breaths and try to calm down. He felt awful. He hated to see Josh suffer.

A few minutes later, Josh stopped trembling slowly and looked up.

"I'm sorry." he said. His voice was raspy from crying. "It's not... I just don't know what to do. I'm not ready to be responsible for a child."

Tyler sighed. "Neither am I."

This time, it was Josh resting his head on Tyler's shoulder. "We should have been more careful."

"Yeah." Tyler whispered. Josh didn't want the baby. But he had expected it, hadn't he? So why did it hurt so much?

"Can I see it?" Josh asked quietly and these four words filled Tyler with so much love and adoration for the man next to him that he couldn't help but smile.

"Sure."

Josh sat up straight and Tyler lifted the hem of his shirt. Slowly, Josh reached out and touched the little bump.

"Sorry, my hands are cold." he whispered.

"It's okay." Tyler watched how Josh's eyes grew wide when his fingers traced over his abdomen.

Maybe they would find a way to make it work.

 

  
This night, Josh insisted on sleeping in Tyler's bunk.

"I want you to know you're not alone in this." he said and Tyler was thankful.

"When do you want to tell the others?" Tyler asked when they lied in the bunk, his back pressed against Josh's chest and the drummer caressing his tummy.

"We need to talk about it first. Make sure we know what we want before we tell our families and friends."

Tyler sighed and nuzzled into Josh's embrace. "Sounds like a plan." 

 

 

As soon as they stayed in the next hotel and had checked in, Josh went to Tyler's room and knocked loudly.

Tyler opened the door and they walked to the little green couch that was squeezed in between the bed and a wardrobe.

The colors of the walls were ugly as hell and the furniture was old. They rarely had hotel rooms looking like this anymore and it reminded Tyler of the times when they toured with the van and slept in crappy motel rooms.

Everything had been so uncertain but it seemed like they had lived a completely different life back then.

"I miss the old times." Josh said as he settled down on the couch. He was obviously thinking the same.

"Me too. But so many things are better now." Tyler said softly and sat down next to him, body turned towards the drummer so they were facing each other.

Their knees bumped against each other and Josh loked down before scooting to the side so they weren't touching anymore.

"Yeah, maybe." he answered and Tyler knew he was thinking about the baby inside of him.

Tyler watched him for a few seconds before he took a deep breath. "First of all, I know we're both responsible, but if you don't want the baby, I can take care of it on my own."

Josh looked at him. "I want the baby... right?" he said quietly. "We're in this together. And it's also my child. Heck, I've always wanted to have kids one day, so why not now?"

He laughed but Tyler heard the insecurity in it. But who was he to judge? He was just as scared.

"At least we don't have to worry about the money." Josh fiddled with the hole in his jeans right above his knee. "We have enough money to bring up a child."

"So that's important to you? Money? I want my child to grow up loved." Tyler said.

Josh looked hurt. "Do you think I don't care about it? It'll get all the love it needs. I'm just trying to be realistic."

"Yeah? What do you imagine? A life between two famous fathers, one in Columbus, one in LA, torn between them?" Tyler spat.

Josh furrowed his brows. "Geez, why are you so angry? I'm just trying to say that we're staying best friends. And even if we find different partners and marry someone else, it will still have the both of us."

Tyler glared at him. "Great. That's a perfect plan, Josh."

"What do you expect me to say?" Josh huffed in frustration. "I'm trying to find a solution, but you don't want to talk."

"It's a baby you're talking about! Not just... a thing you can forget about!" Tyler yelled.

Josh jumped up. "You think I don't know that? I'm trying to figure out how to do the right thing but you're making this so freaking hard! I didn't ask for a child in first place but now I have to deal with it and you expect me to be the perfect father! You know what? I can't do this. Not now." he shook his head and left the room, slamming the door.

Tyler stared at the closed door in shock.

Josh's words stung a lot. Tyler's bottom lip started to tremble. He tried to hold back the tears, but his urge to cry was too strong.

Slowly, Tyler stood up and crawled on the bed, pulling the covers over his head and curling himself up.

He had never felt so alone.

 

  
  
Josh went for a run and it helped clearing his head. He tasted his own words like poison on his tongue. He shouldn't have said such horrible things to Tyler.

They both were overwhelmed, but he had to fix it. Fix their friendship.

He was still panting when he knocked at Tyler's door, his shirt sticking to him and sweat running down his back.

"Tyler? Open up, please." he said quietly.

He was afraid Tyler would ignore him but then the door opened.

Tyler looked at him and he looked so incredibly tired that Josh immediately started to apologize.

Tyler listened to him and halfway through Josh's monologue, he started to cry. Josh stepped in and led him to the bed where they sat down, the drummer wrapping an arm around Tyler's shoulder. He wanted to hug him but he was still sweaty.

"I'm so sorry." he said quietly. "Of course I care about our child. Please, Tyler, I promise I want to try to be a good father."

Tyler sighed and wiped his nose. "It's okay. I know this is too much for both of us." he looked at Josh and scrunched his nose . "You should take a shower."

Josh smiled. "You're right. I'm pretty gross."

"You can use my shower." Tyler offered.

Josh thanked him and disappeared into the bathroom.

Tyler lied down and closed his eyes. He felt really tired, like most of the time, probably a side effect of being pregnant.  
It was weird how easily he could forgive Josh. They rarely argued and when they did, their anger didn't last long. They truly were best friends.

He heard the water of the shower and decided to doze until Josh walked into the room, grabbing a pair of Tyler's sweats out of his bag and put them on.

"I never asked...how far along are you?" he said.

Tyler pondered for a few seconds. "Probably   seven weeks?"

Josh smiled. "Honestly, I feel a little bit proud. I mean, I managed to knock you up and that's pretty amazing."

Tyler rolled his eyes. "Yeah, amazing for you. You're not the one who feels sick and tired all the time."

"You should go and see a doctor soon, anyway." Josh said and lied down next to Tyler. "Just to make sure everything is okay."

Tyler nodded. "We have two more shows but then a day off, so I can try to get an appointment on our free day. It sucks not to be at home, but I don't want to interrupt the tour because of it."

"Yeah, our tour is over in about three months, that should be enough time for us to prepare everything for the baby afterwards." Josh said, looking at the ceiling. "We should think about telling everyone."

Tyler sighed. "I know. We've only known for a few days that I'm pregnant and I don't want to tell our fans yet, to be honest. Maybe after our first doctor appointment. But we for sure need to tell our families."

Josh turned his head to look at Tyler and then rolled on his stomach to get closer to him. "Do you think it's a girl or a boy?" he breathed.

Tyler lookef at the little bump underneath his shirt. "I don't know. I haven't thought about it yet."

"I want a baby girl." Josh grinned. "Or a little Tyler. Baby boy number two."

Tyler laughed. "If it's a boy, it probably looks like our faces got mashed together."

"If the hottest band in the world gets a child, it can only be beautiful." Josh argued. "I hope they will have your eyes."

"And your smile." Tyler giggled.

"I know it." Josh groaned. "This baby will melt everyone's hearts. And break hearts, too."

"They will be adorable, you will see." Tyler said and caressed his abdomen. "I don't think it's possible to find out yet. We'll probably have to wait a few more weeks until we can find out the gender."

"I don't mind waiting." Josh responded and reached out. "Can I?"

Tyler nodded and watched as Josh sat up and pushed his shirt up carefully. He looked down at Tyler and his revealed stomach.

"Gosh, your amazing."

Tyler blushed.

"Did you know you could get..." Josh asked.

"Pregnant? No." Tyler shook his head.

"This can't be a mistake." Josh whispered when he placed his hands carefully on Tyler's tummy. "How can something so precious be a mistake?"

Tyler didn't answer, he just watched Josh in amazement. The drummer was touching him so carefully as if he was afraid to break the baby inside of him.

Tyler never said it out loud, but he loved Josh's affection. He loved it when Josh looked at him like this, like he was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

But their love was platonic, so there wasn't much space for moments like this. Sue Tyler for wishing it would always be like this.

"You need to be careful from now on." Josh said and looked up. He was looking so serious and worried and it warmed Tyler's heart. "I don't want you or the baby to get hurt."

"I'll be careful." Tyler said. "I'm just glad I don't drink. One less thing I have to worry about."

 

  
They decided to tell their families and friends after the appointment. Josh told the crew they were going out for lunch and ordered a taxi that brought them to the doctor's office.

Tyler was excited, but he was also scared. What if something was wrong with their baby?

He wanted to hold Josh's hand on the way inside, but was too shy to ask. They weren't a couple and suddenly holding hands wouldn't be as innocent and platonic as before.

The doctor was a young woman and she was very nice and understanding. Tyler's uneasy feeling left him during the appointment and everything went smoothly.

Their baby was healthy and Tyler too, so they could relax.

She mentioned that the risk of a miscarriage was higher for men, but why pay attention to it? Clearly, there was no reason to worry and Tyler and Josh couldn't stop beaming.

The alien and kind of scary creature inside of Tyler had turned into something sweet and cute and they slowly started imagining their future. Dreams seemed more real now, no longer unreachable.

Tyler couldn't help but imagine a future with Josh by his side, as his boyfriend, and this time he didn't think it was wrong.

Everything felt better when they walked back to a taxi that brought them back. The light seemed brighter, the air warmer and the wold more colorful. They both felt like they were floating, they were drunk from happiness.

 

They found the crew playing football on a concrete area inside the venue. Mark noticed their grins and smiled at them.

"Looks like you both had an amazing pizza for lunch." he joked.

Josh glanced at Tyler and received a tiny nod before he burst out. "Tyler's pregnant!"

Everybody froze.

Michael, who was trying to throw the ball to Brad stopped in his tracks, his arm held high and stared at the drummer in shock. It looked ridiculous and Tyler laughed quietly at the bewildered faces of their friends.

"You're... you're joking." Mark stammered.

"No, it's true." Josh grinned. "We're having a baby!"

"But...Both of you?" Mark asked in shock. "So, you're the father? Or Tyler is the father? How is this even possible?"

"We're both the fathers. And some men can get pregnant. I didn't know I could until it had already happened." Tyler said proudly and Michael dropped the ball. 

Mark looked at Tyler and Josh, then at his friends and then back at the two. "You're serious?"

"We are." Josh said softly. "It was the reason why Tyler was feeling sick all the time."

"I didn't know you two were a thing." Brad raised an eyebrow.

"We're not. It was an accident." Josh explained and Tyler looked at the floor. "But even if I could go back in time, I wouldn't change it."

Mark sighed. "If this is a prank..."

Tyler and Josh shook their heads and Michael cleared his throat. "You guys have a lot to explain."

 

  
  
They didn't tell the fans, but they called their families. Like their crew, they were shocked and surprised, but not as angry as they had expected. 

Tyler and Josh's moms were mostly worried because the weren't a couple.

There were tears and arguments and congratulations, but the overall response was really positive.

Sure, their parents hadn't expected to suddenly be grandparents, let alone that their sons were sleeping with each other (and without being in love!), but they would get used to it.

Separate beds and seperate bunks were the only thing that reminded Tyler that their situation wasn't normal.

Josh was a sweetheart and did everything to help Tyler and to make the pregnancy as comfortable as possible.

He made him promise not to jump around or climb anymore and it was the first and only time that Tyler agreed.

They were careful and when Tyler finally didn't feel sick in the mornings anymore, he could swear he was the luckiest and happiest person on earth.

For now, people that didn't know what was going on thought Tyler had gained weight, no one suspected him to be pregnant and sure, there had been a few mean comments about it, but Tyler managed to ignore them.

They didn't know the truth and the truth was wonderful, something Tyler still couldn't believe.

Josh's attention and affection easily could be mistaken for love - and not the platonic kind of way.

But Tyler told himself not to get his hopes up and it worked, most of the time.

Even if he complimented Josh on stage, or told everybody he loved him, nobody knew that he really meant it, Josh included. It was a good feeling to have Josh around and it helped Tyler not to freak out. Sure, it was a lot of responsability, but they could handle it - together.

Every obstacle seemed smaller with Josh by his side.

 

  
It had been almost two weeks since Tyler found out about his pregnancy and he was getting used to it.

He knew things would be more difficult in the future, since the baby was growing every day, but the fact that the tour would be over then and he only would have to focus on creating new music without travelling that much was relieving.

He had hung out with Josh before the show and knew something was off. He had caught the drummer staring at him multiple times and he had been even quieter than usual, like he was deep in thought all the time.

Still, Tyler had hesitated to ask what was on his best friend's mind, too scared it would lead to a conversation about Josh backing out.

Little did he know the only thing that was on Josh's mind was their relationship and not their baby for once.

Josh had talked to Mark earlier that day, realizing he had never thought about dating Tyler, which was ridiculous if he thought about it now and considering they were been incredibly close. 

Nothing had stopped them from having sex, so why did he never think about a future together with the singer?

He had always thought Tyler was attractive, his body as well as his personality but he never considered his love for him as non-platonic.

Suddenly it felt wrong not to try. Since the question wether or not to ask Tyler out had appeared in his head after the talk with Mark, he couldn't shake it off anymore.

It was floating around in his head and Josh desperately tried to understand why they never tried to be more than friends.

Josh felt incredibly stupid when he approached Tyler with a racing heart and shaking hands and he was ashamed to be afraid to ask this simple question. Tyler wasn't a stranger, he was Josh's best friend and knew him inside out, so why was he so scared?

His anxiety kicked in right when he stood in front of Tyler and it took Josh all his willpower to open his mouth and let the words out.

"Tyler..." He hated how much his voice wavered. "Would you like to go on a date with me?"

Tyler looked at him, confused and surprised. "Why are you suddenly interested in going out with me?" he asked after a long moment of silence.

"Well, I thought it would be nice to get to know the father of my child a little better." Josh said in a nervous attempt to lighten the mood.

Tyler looked at him as if he wasn't sure if Josh was joking or being serious. "Are you serious?"

Josh nodded.

Tyler inhaled sharply and looked at him for a few seconds. "I don't want you to date me just because you think you're stuck with me because of the child."

"I'm stuck with you 'cause I'm in your band." Josh joked. "No, seriously. I never thought about dating you and when I thought about it this morning I couldn't understand why. I mean, you're obviously the most important person in my life - pregnant or not. I don't know why I never thought about it, because it makes sense. I love you, dude. And I can't imagine being with someone else to be honest. Please, let's try to make it work."

Tyler grinned. "Okay. Let's go on a date."

Josh sighed in relief and pulled Tyler into a hug. "I was scared you'd say no."

"I would never." Tyler whispered. "I can't say no to you, Joshua."

 

  
It took them only two days to agree to try it and be together. And it went surprisingly well.

The fear of losing a part of their friendship had vanished. They still were best friends, but they were also lovers and if you asked them, they would say they were in heaven.

Still, it seemed kind of unfamiliar and strange to be allowed to touch each other and exchange kisses openly, not in a hotel bed, hiding their feelings in the darkness.

They both knew it would take a while until they accepted that the friendship they had built up for years wasn't the most important thing anymore, but their love for each other.

It didn't matter that Tyler sometimes still felt  like he crossed an invisible line he had created in his mind whenever his hands roamed over Josh's body.

It didn't matter that Josh sometimes still asked for permission before he kissed Tyler, because he hadn't gotten used to the fact that Tyler loved to kiss him.

Their affection didn't feel like a trap anymore, it felt safe and like home.  
Tyler learned that his favorite place was in Josh's arms while the drummer loved to hear the quiet sighs that left Tyler's mouth when he kissed his neck softly.

They got closer and although their relationship was still new and their new bond was still thin, they both knew things would turn out to be okay.

 

  
  
"My mom demands pictures of us and the baby bump." Josh said when they were watching tv, Tyler resting against Josh's chest and Josh's hands placed on his growing tummy.

Tyler smiled. "Let's take some." He grabbed his phone and took a few selfies to send to their parents.

Josh scooted down and lifted Tyler's shirt. He had started talking to the baby occasionally, convinced it could hear him.

"Hey there, little guy, daddy's here." he said softly, staring at Tyler's abdomen as if he could see through it.

"You're so cute." Tyler chuckled.

Josh looked up with a grin. "I can't wait to hold them in my arms already."

"You have to be patient, Josh. I'm only in the first trimester." Tyler explained.

"I know." Josh said with a whine.  
Tyler patted his head and Josh nuzzled into his hand like a kitten.

"You're driving me crazy." Tyler mumbled and Josh smirked.

"Really?" he sat up and kissed his lover softly.

"Really." Tyler breathed.

Josh grinned against his lips and then travelled his mouth down to Tyler's neck. Tyler moaned quietly and wrapped his thin arms around Josh.

They made out for a few minutes until they stopped to catch their breath.

"I love you so much." Josh confessed. "And I'll give you and the baby all my love and attention, I promise. I will protect the both of you with my life if needed."

Tyler pulled him down for another kiss. "I love you, Josh." he whispered, because he knew Josh was telling the truth.

 

  
Sometimes, dreams don't last. Some dreams might never come true and some will.  
They hadn't planned to have a baby, but it had turned out to be a dream. And this dream had lasted three weeks.

 

  
About 48 hours later, Tyler woke up, feeling a sudden, stabbing pain in his stomach. He groaned and grabbed Josh's shoulder to shake him awake.

"Josh, wake up."

Josh was awake within a few seconds. 

"What's wrong?" he asked sleepily.

"My stomach hurts." Tyler whispered and

Josh switched the light on. "Is it the baby? How much does it hurt?"

Tyler carefully took a deep breath. "It's okay now. Maybe a cramp or something like this."

"Do you want to go to the hospital?" Josh asked, his voice laced with concern.

Tyler shook his head, placing a hand on his abdomen. "It doesn't hurt anymore. It's probably nothing serious."

Josh bit his lip, hesitating. "Okay. But if you feel it again, we'll go to the hospital. I don't want you or the baby to get hurt."

Tyler nodded. "Don't worry, it'll be okay."

Josh caressed his tummy before he kissed Tyler. "Let's try to sleep again, okay?"

With a sigh, Tyler lied down again. Josh turned the lights off and pressed himself against Tyler's side. He protectively wrapped his arms around the singer, holding him close.

 

  
There would only be a few questions that would haunt them for a long time. Could they have prevented it if they would have called an ambulance immediately? Whose fault was it? 

Nobody could answer these questions and that was the reason why Tyler would wake up at night, sweating and crying out in pain when he felt the same pain he felt the same night their baby died.

It was the reason why Josh dreamt of bright  hospital lights and doctors telling him their baby could have survived if they had gotten there earlier.

This night, demons were created that would follow them for years.

 

  
  
It was about four in the morning when Tyler woke up again. First, he thought he had had a wet dream or had been bet-wetting for whatever reason, but when he reached down, the liquid was too sticky to be pee and it didn't smell like cum.

Tyler started shaking. He lied there, petrified, too scared to switch the lights on to see the blood on his fingers. It wasn't there as long as he didn't see it.

But he could smell it and that was even worse.

 _Please, let the baby be okay._ he thought again and again, as if it could undo what had happened.

He wanted to scream Josh's name, but he had gotten mute.

Somehow, Josh had sensed Tyler's fear and he woke up. The lights suddenly illuminated the room and Josh turned to face his boyfriend.

"Tyler... what's wrong?" he asked and Tyler slowly held up his bloody hand.

There was no doubt it was blood and Josh let out a strangled sound as he pulled away the covers hastily to find Tyler's grey sweats blood-stained.

It was a lot of blood and when he met Tyler's eyes, he saw he was crying.

"Josh?" Tyler whispered, tears running down his face and dripping onto the matress.

"I'll call an ambulance." Josh forced put and grabbed his phone. His hands were cold and he almost dropped it, but he managed to dial the number.

Tyler curled himself up, his quiet sobs ripping Josh's heart apart. Josh asked for an ambulance and dropped the phone to the floor, not caring about breaking it.

"H-how bad is it?" Tyler asked between his sobs and Josh felt the tears in his eyes before he could stop them.

"I'm sorry." Josh said and his voice shook horribly. "I think..."

Tyler cried out and it sounded like a wounded animal that was determined to die.

Josh knew this was the incident that changed everything and when he thought about the baby, their baby, he felt such a pain in his body that he fell down to his knees next to the bed.

He didn't even notice the pain in his legs when he crashed against the floor, the only thing he could think of was why, _why_ had their future been destroyed?

What kind of god or higher being was so cruel?

Josh gritted his teeth, clawing at the sheets when he thought about the fact that he'd never see their baby, would never see them grow up, would never hear them talk and call him daddy.

He'd never, never rock the baby to sleep, would never have the opportunity to sing them lullabies, would never comfort them when they would get their heart broken for the first time.

"Oh god... " Tyler whimpered and no sound on earth could describe how a man sounded who lost his child before it was born. "No, no, please, no..."

"I'm sorry." Josh choked out and grabbed his blood-stained hand. He didn't know what he was apologizing for, but it didn't matter, because both of them knew it was too late.

Tyler didn't move beside his shaking body, his eyes squeezed shut and nothing but agonized whimpers leaving his mouth.

Josh held his hand, but he couldn't comfort him, he was too shocked himself. Instead, he stared at the blood stain on the sheets beneath Tyler's thin body, the way his grey sweats were soaked with blood that seemed too red and almost unreal.

"You promised you'd protect our baby." Tyler whimpered. "You promised, Josh."

"I'm sorry." Josh choked out again, wiping his eyes but the second he wiped the tears away, new ones were running down his face. They felt hot against Josh's cold skin.

The minutes until the ambulance arrived were the longest ones in his life.

 

 

Even though he had seen the blood with his own eyes, there still had been a tiny spark of hope in them, so hearing the terrible news crushed them.

Hearing the words out of the doctor's mouth made it real and suddenly, the tour wasn't important anymore.

The music wasn't important anymore, how could he possibly think about playing shows when he was sure there was no way in his life to be happy again?

When Tyler looked at him, his skin almost as pale as the sheets of the hospital bed and whispered: "I never want to have kids ever again." he felt the urge to run away.

Of course their families were supporting them, but Josh flew back to LA as soon as Tyler went home to his family.

He needed space and time to deal with this traumatic experience.

So, instead of talking to his family and friends, he hid in is room, rarely leaving the bed and spending days crying until his eyes were red and irritated.

Tyler on the other hand stayed with his parents, but he almost never talked and went on long walks were he analyzed every moment of his pregnancy to find out what he did wrong.

It wasn't his fault, but Tyler felt like he failed as a father. They both felt this way. 

It took Josh a month to leave the house and to fly back to Columbus. They mourned on their own and never realized that they needed each other.

So, when Josh stood in front of Tyler's parents' house, he didn't know what to expect. Maybe Tyler had moved on.

But when the singer opened the door, looking sick and tired with dark circles under his eyes, he let out a sob and broke down Josh's arms.

Josh didn't hold back his tears when he held onto Tyler, just like the night when they had been so close and had made a baby without even knowing it.

"I'm sorry for n-not being able t-to..." Tyler sobbed and Josh realized he thought he had killed the baby.

"It wasn't your fault." Josh whispered. "Don't blame yourself."

"But why?" Tyler cried out. "Why did our baby have to die?"

Josh shook his head, tears brimming in his eyes again. "I don't know, Tyler. I don't know."

They couldn't turn back time. They couldn't change what happened, they could only stay with each other and hope this pain would fade until it was dull enough to be only a reminder that life wasn't fair.

But for now, the pain was still there and it would take a long time for this wound inside of them to heal.

They didn't feel hopeful when they stood there, hugging each other, but Tyler lifted his mouth to Josh's ear and told him what he had told so many people.

"Stay alive."

And even though Josh's voice was wavering when he repeated the words, Tyler knew he meant it.

"Stay alive, Tyler."

And they would.


End file.
